Procrasturbation

2006-07-07T03:23:00.000-05:00

2006-05-21T23:04:00.001-05:00

Some of the best local talent, and some quality out of state talent. It'll be a good time, y'all should come.

2006-05-21T23:04:00.000-05:00

Some of the best local talent, and some quality out of state talent. It'll be a good time, y'all should come.

NICKLEBACK HAS 1 SONG

2005-12-14T00:32:00.000-05:00

Well its recently been discovered that not only do all of nickleback's songs sound the same, two, the two most famous, are exactly the same. Check out the blog of Dave Williams for the link. It's incredible. THE TWO SONGS LINE UP TO A TEE!!! Oh my gosh. If you do one thing today, make it clicking this link.

Might I add, Dave knows more about the simpsons (and every other TV show, essentially) than the rest of the world combined. Even Matt Groening.

Your Comments Direct Our Commitment, Part 2

2005-12-13T20:47:00.000-05:00

Just when I though the last comment couldnt be topped, it was.

This coming straight of the comment card wall in the dining hall

Comment:
If Towers dining hall and Campus Center dining hall were both professional wrestlers, towers hall would throw campus center into the ropes and hit it with a clothesline to the neck when it bounces back and the crowd would be all "ooooh!!" Then towers would climb that big post thing in the corner and backflip right onto campus center's chest and it would be sweet. Also I like the milkshakes. (signed with a picture of a skull and crossbone)

Response:

Dear Skull and Crossbones,
I am so pleased that you were able to translate the internationally aknowledged sucky-ness of the Campus Center into wrestler terms. Good for you. Only whereas CCDH is a wrestler, I believe that towers is a world-known cage fighter with training in martial arts and familial ties with the mob. Or possibly a tyrannesaurus rex.

Also, the milkshakes are good, aren't they?

I live on such a comedic campus

Evading Arrest

2005-12-11T21:14:00.000-05:00

This is a great story. A man was driving a little too quickly and was caught speeding with an automated ticket maker. It took a picture of his license plate, the police looked it up and mailed him a ticket, along with a picture of the back of his car.

www.yanktanks.co.uk

In rebuttle to what he saw, thinking it was silly to mail him a picture of the back of his car, he mails back to the police station a picture of the money to pay for the ticket.

www.crescentcitycoinclub.org

But the police weren't about to give him the last laugh. In response they sent him the following picture:

www.militarykit.com

Gotta love it!

The Master

Now Was a Good idea

2005-12-09T14:10:00.000-05:00

The "Now That's What I Call Music" series was a good idea for a while. But since their birth a few years ago, they have manage to make the tally go up to 20. 20 Now cd's. Why? I ask How can they expect music stores to carry them?

Plus, they all blur together in the minds of the consumer. I vaguely remember one, but I wouldn't even know where to start looking. Maybe if they did it annualy, and made it Now 2005, I would have a good bet. I would know if the song were released around 2005, look on the 2005 CD.

Growing Up...Waayyy Up

2005-12-08T17:54:00.000-05:00

It has become all to apparent that my grandparents, though I love 'em to death, are no different than any other grandparent. They fit all of the stereotypes. I first noticed this while watching a rerun of the Simpsons today. Homer and Grandpa are going on a "get rich quick" scheme, selling bottles of juice that make men passionate and pleasing for their significant others. As they drive grandpa delivers a priceless line.

"And that's what's wrong with your generation, now onto Bart's generation"

Ha-ha, ha ha. I know the feeling. Sometimes chillin with my elders makes me feel insignicant, theres always something wrong with the younger people in the world. That will not be me. Never.

Heres a political cartoon that captures my feelings:

(http://www.markstivers.com/Cartoons/main.html)

Check out his others too with that link, or the side bar.

Master Procrasturbater, Theo

Computer Games

2005-12-06T22:51:00.000-05:00

Computer games are the best. Minesweeper, pinball, one slime. Holy heck, do these games know how to pass the time. Minesweeper is one of the best if you know how to play. If not - here's a breifing on the strategy:

Mark all bombs (using right click) as fast as possible
Click the marks that don't have bombs.
The numbers that come up are the number of bombs each square has adjacent to it.

I was taken aback to find out one of my good friends had never played it, so I want to make sure everyone gets the experience. It's one of the best time passers for me. The beginner level is fun to try to get under 10 seconds. The lowest I've heard of is 6...

Do it. Play the game. If you do, let me know.

Theo

Stupid News, Part 2

2005-12-04T12:15:00.000-05:00

This is Part 2 of the stupid news segment.

This is coming straight out of my home town's newspaper, the Hunterdon County Democrat, I kid you not.

"Festive Firemen Cause Blackout and Firehouse Fire

Lambertville – NJ While trying to make reindeer pause atop their rooftop, firefighters shorted out power to half the city and actually set fire to their firehouse. "

Woaahh now, talk about your irony. Tell your friends.

Stupid News, Part 1

2005-12-03T14:36:00.000-05:00

This is part one of the stupid news posts. Sometimes the newspaper is funnier than we'd expect.

The following link is to and article straight out of the Daily Pennsylvanian of UPenn. It was sent to me by a devoted reader, her commentary says it all.

http://www.dailypennsylvanian.com/vnews/display.v/ART/2005/11/30/438d5a725d606

Her questions are:


1) Why have sex against a window if you don't want people to see it

AND

2) Are people totally blind to the irony of this article? It's an
article about how it was sooooo wrong for some engineering nerd to
take pics of people having sex on his PERSONAL website, and yet they
are publishing the EXACT SAME PICTURE on the front page of the paper.
CRAZY.

Super Hero Battle

2005-11-30T01:21:00.000-05:00

Well I've decided it has become time agian for another poll...this time - Favorite Superhero. But I've decided to put on a new twist to the study. Instead of taking an SRS (simple random sample) of some large number of people, seemingly at random, I've decided to ask myself the question a large number of times at seemingly random intervals. After asking myself who my favorite super hero was 89 times in succession, I have drawn some rather fascination conclusions!

As can plainly be seen, there is an overwhelming majority of times when Batman is my favorite Superhero. However, my opinions are not unanimous. Potentially due to some outside factors, I once liked an "other" superhero. The hero was Mr. Incredible, the outside factor, the movie. However, when I am not watching The Incredibles my research shows that Batman is, indeed, my favorite superhero.

Why? Because he wears all black and is solid as a rock. Can you disagree?

Theo

Google Lies!

2005-11-29T02:00:00.000-05:00

Despite finding 376,000,000 results when searching the query "late" on google, it only displays the first 904. It says "In order to show you the most relevant results, we have omitted some entries very similar to the 904 already displayed.If you like, you can repeat the search with the omitted results included."

So I clicked the result and much to my shagrin ... only 996 results were included. I am dying to know whats on the further pages. Why would it bother searching the other 375,999,096 pages, if it doesn't even provide for me a link to check them out? It seems like a waste of valuable time--especially since the search already used .08 seconds of my time.

For kicks - lets do the math. Google found 376,000,000 results for the query "late" in .08 seconds...that's...4700000000, 4.7 TRILLION pages searched per second.

History Repeats?

2005-11-28T13:51:00.000-05:00

I've always found this fascinating...Some are lame but others are pretty awesome.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
^^laaame

Both Presidents' wives lost a child while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot while seated next to their wife.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both were shot in the head.

Lincoln's personal secretary, whose name was John (Nicolay), advised him not to go to the theater.
Kennedy's personal secretary, whose name was (Evelyn) Lincoln, advised him not to go to Dallas.

Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are comprised of fifteen letters.
^^...eeehh....

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

Lincoln was shot in the Ford Theatre and Kennedy was shot while in a Ford Lincoln.

(http://edweb.tusd.k12.az.us/sandre/andre28.htm)

History...repeating itself?

-Theo

It happens

2005-11-17T15:37:00.000-05:00

You know what would suck? Being the least retarted kid in the retarted class. Outside of the fact that you were the only one who wasn't required by law to wear a helmet, there's nothing good about it. You would look around and, even compared to you, every kid would be retarted. "Ms. Proskey, why is Jerry rocking back and forth?" "Why doesn't Brian ever stop humming?"

You'd be skewed for life. Imagine the day you found out paper wasn't round...

Or when you go home, mom asks "Hey honey, how was school today?"
"We had an assessment"
"Was it hard?"
"Hard to stay inside the lines?"

It would be an utter catastrophe. When you saw the other kids--in recess per say--you would always be last to be picked for the kickball team. Being atop your retarted class doesn't bump you up in social status, or kickball ability, for that matter.

Ok, so there is ONE positive aspect. Applying to colleges would be glorious. You could be the only WASP to benefit from affirmative action, from your dissability. But when it all came down to it, you excelled in your classes. Bet your glad you colored inside the lines now! But still, how fun would it be to have retarted friends your whole life?

Stew On This

2005-11-16T21:09:00.000-05:00

Maybe it's my mathematical, logical mind, but I love a good brain teaser -- check out this one:

This test does not measure your intelligence, your fluency with words, and certainly not your mathematical abilities. It will however, give you some gauge of your mental flexibility and creativity. Few people can answer half the puzzle on the first try.Good luck.
Example 12 = M. in a Y. Answer 12 = Months in a Year.

7 = W. of the W
26 = L. of the A.
1,001 = A.N.
12 = S. of the Z.
54 = C. in D. (With the J.)
9 = P. in the S.S.
88 = P.K.
13 = S. on the A.F.
32 = D.F at which
W.F. 18 = H on a G.C.
8 = S. on a S.S.
3 = B.M. (S.H.T.R.)
4 = Q. in a G.
24 = H. in a D.
1 = W. on a U.
5 = D. in a Z.C.
57 = H.V.
11 = P. on a F.T.
1,000 = W. that a P is W.
29 = D. in F in L.Y.
64 = S. on a C.B.
200 = D. For P.G. in M.
90 = D. in a R.A.
99 = B. of B. on a W.

(http://www.writers-free-reference.com/funny/story023.htm)

Drugs

2005-11-15T22:35:00.000-05:00

This is an excerpt from my good friend's stand up routine:

"And although more and more diseases are actually getting treatments, I don’t understand why anyone would want to take prescription drugs anymore. First of all, the commercials for some of these pills are ridiculous. Have you seen the Zoloft white, bouncing entity? It’s a sad blob at first, but after Zoloft, it has a bounce in his…hop and a spring in his…rubber underbelly. Everyone is always smiling and laughing in the ads. Well, I mean who wouldn’t be happy to rid themselves of genital warts and vaginal discomfort? They do a nice job of making very uncomfortable diseases…a fun and nice thing to laugh and talk about it.

I wouldn’t be very good at this job. I sent in an ad to a drug company for a drug that cures depression. Okay, start with a father and son throwing a football in the front yard. The father says, “Son, you’ve got a girly throw, bulk up.” And the son says, “Sorry, dad. I’ll try harder.” “Well, just don’t be such a pussy.” And the father walks inside. End scene. Next scene, the son is in his room writing and the father comes and says, “Writing in your diary, Beth?” “No, dad, just a couple thoughts”. “Probably thoughts about having sex with men”. End scene. And this is the climax. The son, is in the kitchen making macaroni and cheese and the father walks in with a male prostitute and says, “Here, daughter, I got you a boyfriend.” And the son stands there staring and takes the pot of boiling mac and cheese and throws it in his dads face and he screams as his face melts and a black screen comes up for five seconds and that’s it. It doesn’t even say the name of the medicine, you just fucking know.

And then I wrote this one for a genital herpes drug. It’s short but sweet. A doctor and a woman in the doctor’s office. He peeks under her gown and says, “you’ve got herpes”. And then he takes a pot of boiling water and throws it at her crotch. She screams and then the screen goes blank. Except this time…it says, try Zorifil, if you don’t want your vagina to melt.

These ideas were rejected. "

-Matt Cortina

Mr. T

2005-11-13T14:27:00.000-05:00

Everyone loves Mr. T, but did you know?

World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, Mr. T ate Kobayashi.

Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.

When Mr. T does his laundry, Snuggles the fabric softening bear jumps off the label on the bottle and hides in fear of being pitied.

Mr T., after many years of market testing and demographic researching, finally decided to enter the fashion world and produce his own line of custom purses. Despite promising projected sales, his company soon shut down after the introduction of their motto, "Women love the T-bag".

Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.

The vegetarian group PETA one time tried to establish the catchprase "We PETA the fool who eats animals." Upon learning of this blatant theft of his catch phrase, Mr. T founded McDonalds.

Originally the A-Team was named T-Team and consisted of Mr. T and six of his genetically engineered clones driving around in a van made of pure gold. Producers changed the format after every criminal known to man was killed in the pilot episode.

Mr. T invented Asian people, because he thinks they're cute and don't take up much room.

There is a 11th commandment, edited out of the Bible, that says "None of the above applies to Mr. T."

Mr. T got all of his golden jewelry from defeating Misters A through S in hand-to-hand combat and collecting it off of their dead remains. Kinda like that movie "The One", only except there's a lot less jibba jabba and fewer fools.

Mr. T once got into a fight with a ninja. He killed the ninja, but only after the ninja had cut off two of his fingers. Those fingers grew up to be Gary Coleman and Webster.

Mr. T knows the muffin man; he had sex his wife.

Remember, only you can prevent forest fires. But also remember that you can't do shit, because Mr. T is the one who starts them, and no one can stop that crazy fool.

The reason there are no known photographs in existence of a young Mr. T is that he is over 835 years old, and therefore pre-dates cameras. His age is attributed to Death being too scared of Mr. T to come for him. He tried once, but was pitied like a fool, so went looking instead for the next 'T' in his book, Thomas Beckett.

Mr T defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you're still alive, it's because Mr T loves you.

Small animals find Mr. T irresistable and can be found playing in his mohawk. Mr. T tolerates them because "they don't give me no lip."

When Mr. T puts on his dancing shoes, you better f-ing run.

If at the exact same moment, the same person was pitied by Mr. T and roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, the universe would implode.

Mr. T once had so many fools to pitty that he didn't know what to do with them all. So he created Chuck Norris, from one of his ribs and a pound of gold, to roundhouse kick the surplus of fools in the face.

Mr. T was once clocked at 100 fps. That's 100 fools pitied a second.

As a kid, Mr. T loved to play the game of Hot Potato. Of course, he didn't play with a regular potato. Rather, Mr. T preferred playing with a live hand grenade. Mr. T pities the fool who's no good at hot potato.

Mr. T's autobiography, "So Many Fools, Not Enough Pity," was awarded the Pulitzer Prize for its heartwarming and inspiring tales of Mr. T overcoming his fear of flying, and his battle with gold-addiction--as well the sweet tutorial on how to install machine-gun turrets on top of a GMC van using a welding torch, a 55-gallon drum, chicken wire, and skim milk.

Mr. T showers in gas chambers.

When asked what a pitying feels like, Mr. T responded "Rip off your own genetalia".

Mr. T's umbilical cord was actually a large gold chain... the medallion didn't grow in until he was 6 months old.

Chuck Norris once challenged Vin Diesel to an arm wrestling match. Mr. T won.

There is a commonly told story talking about how Mr T. entered into a Mr. T look-alike contest and came in 3rd. This is obviously not true, because nobody would be alive to tell the tale after the amount of pitying that would have taken place.

Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel are actually the names Mr T has given to his testicles. The ability of his balls to make movies has saved Mr T the bother of earning a living himself for the past 20 years.

Like Harrison Ford, Mr. T was discovered on the set of his breakthrough film Rocky III while a carpenter in the props department. Mr. T won his role after being spotted resizing lengths of two-by-four by smashing them over his head, hammering nails in with his bare hands, and giving orphans advice on how to bond with their new foster mothers.

In Soviet Russia, the fools pitied Mr. T! This explains why there is no longer a Soviet Russia.

(http://www.4q.cc/t/index.php?topthirty)
(I just collect the stuff)

Theo

Here's to Our Leaders

2005-11-10T15:39:00.000-05:00

Nothing like stand up comedy. Anyone who as gone to a stand up show, professional or ameture, can relate. Even watching a tape or listening to the mp3--you go in expecting 75% of what they say to be funny, and laughing at anything is completely acceptable. If he's talking about his dead mother, or his time in the hospital recovering, it's ok to laugh. Well anyway. one of the classics in stand up comedy is none other than the illustrious Mitch Hedberg (RIP). Some of my favorites:

"I was in a casino, minding my own business. This guy came up and said "you're gonna have to move, you're blocking the fire exit. As though if there was a fire, I wasn't going to run. If you are flammable and have legs, you're never blocking a fire exit. You can write that down and put a dash in front of it, and put my name at the bottom."

"My fake plant died because I didn't pretend to water it."

"I didn't go to college but if I did I would take all my tests in a resaurant, because the customer is always right."

"I'm gonna open a chain of chair lunch dinner's, put them right across the street from the bed and breakfasts."

"I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask then where they're going and hook up with the later."

Buy his CD's, the delivery is priceless. His death still weighs heavily on the hearts of comedy fans nationwide.

Listen to Mitch Hedberg,
The Master Procrasturbator

Your Comments Direct Our Commitment

2005-11-09T18:38:00.000-05:00

The campus dining hall service asks that students who would like to make a comment about their experience in the dining hall to turn in a comment card. These cards are then reviewed and responded to, and the appropriate action (if reasonable) is carried out. The comment cards are then posted on a board on the wall. I found this one particularly humorous:

Comment:
First off, this place is filthy. I saw a "handicaped" [sic] employee touching cookies bare-handed and putting them back down. Also, another large female employee stares at me for uncomfortable amounts of time. Its [sic] creepy and disturbing. This place is atrotcious [sic].

Response:
Dear Spelling Bee Winner,
Generally I wouldn't respond to such a misguided commentary, but everyone is entitled to their opinion. This place is older and out of date, not "filthy." Feeding over 2500 people does take its toll-ask yourself if you do your part in helping to keep it clean. As for the mishandling of food - I'm sure that is quite rare as they are well supervised. Your being stared at must be your dazzling smile and sunny disposition...

I'm going to say the response wins. Might I say, the comment-ee got "dawged."

It's Picture Day

2005-11-08T00:14:00.000-05:00

Some pictures are worth a thousand words. Others have priceless captions. There's just nothing like a good laugh around a bit of a visual feast. Here's some good ones I wish I had taken:

But honey, they're such a good price!

(www.shortarmguy.com/emailsapr05.htm)

I was driving to work today when this big dick in a truck pulled out in front of me...

(www.shortarmguy.com/emailsapr05.htm)
(Both of the above pictures borrowed from Short Arm Guy's awesome site...check it out - www.shortarmguy.com)

This is one of those in the "picture is worth a thousand words" cat-egory. Terrible, terrible pun.

(http://www.sshep.com/Cat%20with%20Lion%20Cut%202.jpg)

You'll just have to take my word for it when I say I REALLY do like cats...

He're another worth a thousand words.

(http://carcino.gen.nz/images/index.php/00b9a680/233af8eb)

Hey, do you think you've got procrasturbation worthy material? Wing it over in an e-mail. tmoore1@ithaca.edu

Until next time...

Theo

True Story (You gotta love college)

2005-11-03T16:34:00.000-05:00

Hey all. I would suggest checking out the Han Solo/Indiana Jones poll. I'm dying to keep the tally going.

For now though, here's a story. (will be told in first person, but it didn’t happen to me)

So I was lying in my bed last night, at about 2:00. Just as I'm about to fall asleep my roommate comes stumbling into the room with his girlfriend. Both of them are drunk off their asses. They both climb into his bed, which is directly below mine, the beds are bunked, and start making out. I assume they don't realize I'm there, so I decide instead of making it awkward by getting up, I'll just stay in bed and be quiet. They keep going at is full speed, and anyone who has ever been in the top bunk can relate, small movements in the bottom mean big sways on the top. Needless to say, I was embracing an earthquake.

Next I start seeing shirts and pants collect in a pile on the floor. They are now completely naked and having sex, taking no care to be quiet or discrete. After they have been going for about 10 minutes (I was impressed with my roommate's stamina in a drunken state) I hear him say, "roll over I want to stick it in your ass." She's in no condition to make good decisions either, so she obeys and they start going again.

At this point she passes out, and when you do, especially when induced by alcohol, certain muscles relax, including the one in the anus. So while he's going he sees a turd on his member, and in disgust starts throwing up and shouting. The commotion wakes her up and she sees him throw up, which then makes her throw up. Now they are both naked and puking all over the room, I start to laugh hysterically...so hard I lost control laughing at my roommate's expense and rolled off my bed and onto the floor. And that’s how I broke my arm.

Who's Cooler...Han Solo or Indiana Jones?

2005-11-03T01:17:00.000-05:00

Another simple survey has taken place! The results are displayed on the pie chart. There is a slight tip of the chart towards Indiana Jones, but it was a close race either way.

Some heavy argumentation arose from the question.

Han Solo advocates seemed to favor his smuggling abilities, and simply that he owned a spaceship. The true fans threw in also that his ship made the kessel run in under 12 parsecs. They liked the way that he was able to show women what's up (Episode V - (Han is about to be frozen in Carbonite) Leia: I Love You. Han: I know.) and the fact that he reeled in someone as foxy as Princess Leia.

Indiana Jones fans liked him because he was scruffy, not so pretty like Han. He used a whip to defend himself, and had countless female counterparts. They also seemed to admire the fact that he was in posession of the holy grail, and he was able to stand up to what he was afraid of...snakes.

Think what you must. Care to support your preference? Leave it as a comment.

The answer to last week's quick question: Homestar Runner, Strong Bad e-mail, Kids' Book

In sometimes, but out now,
Theo

Procrasturbation in a nut shell - Waste Time in a Crunch Time

2005-10-28T02:52:00.000-05:00

Procrasturbation...the art of putting something off so long you're screwing yourself. I dont say "art" in an attempt to glorify the standards of something as dirty as procrasturbating, but more to give the doubters the understanding that it requires a well thought out, and even more successfully executed, plan of action. Anyone can procrastinate, anyone can-- well you get the idea (hopefully), but it takes a true procrasturbation artist to be able to put something off long enough to be considered procrasturbation, and not be phased.

(We will refer to procrasturbators as "procs" from here on out, to help save the author time, so he can get back to procrastinating)

On that note, WELCOME to the procrasturbation blog, designed to provide some interesting and moreover useless material to help fellow procs waste time in a crunch time. A new "pressing question" (ie. is it "all of a sudden," or "all of the sudden?"), complete with statistical results, will be posted upon each update, and other useless jokes and nuggets of knowledge will come at random -- the things you don't know you don't know, but may very well come up in the future, and damn, won't you wish you knew it? The most important thing about the material is it makes you think. If you think it doesn't make you think...think again. Think about that for a while.

"Some people need to go get an Ice Cream sandwich, [the master procrasturbator] needs to go get an ice cream sandwich"

QUICK! What hi-popularity online flash cartoon is that quote from? (link will come with answer, if you have absolutely no idea)

-Author

Post Script: If you were still curious, a sampling was taken at Perkins Family Restaurant in Flemington, NJ, of the "all of _______ sudden" question. "All of a sudden" is the correct response, and about 72% of those surveyed knew it. Most importantly, it brightened up their morning out. I was one of the 28%.

picture hosting

2005-01-26T01:13:00.000-05:00

I hope to be able to use this blog as a host for pictures!