Sunday, November 13, 2005

Mr. T

Everyone loves Mr. T, but did you know?

World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, Mr. T ate Kobayashi.

Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.

When Mr. T does his laundry, Snuggles the fabric softening bear jumps off the label on the bottle and hides in fear of being pitied.

Mr T., after many years of market testing and demographic researching, finally decided to enter the fashion world and produce his own line of custom purses. Despite promising projected sales, his company soon shut down after the introduction of their motto, "Women love the T-bag".

Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.

The vegetarian group PETA one time tried to establish the catchprase "We PETA the fool who eats animals." Upon learning of this blatant theft of his catch phrase, Mr. T founded McDonalds.

Originally the A-Team was named T-Team and consisted of Mr. T and six of his genetically engineered clones driving around in a van made of pure gold. Producers changed the format after every criminal known to man was killed in the pilot episode.

Mr. T invented Asian people, because he thinks they're cute and don't take up much room.

There is a 11th commandment, edited out of the Bible, that says "None of the above applies to Mr. T."

Mr. T got all of his golden jewelry from defeating Misters A through S in hand-to-hand combat and collecting it off of their dead remains. Kinda like that movie "The One", only except there's a lot less jibba jabba and fewer fools.

Mr. T once got into a fight with a ninja. He killed the ninja, but only after the ninja had cut off two of his fingers. Those fingers grew up to be Gary Coleman and Webster.

Mr. T knows the muffin man; he had sex his wife.

Remember, only you can prevent forest fires. But also remember that you can't do shit, because Mr. T is the one who starts them, and no one can stop that crazy fool.

The reason there are no known photographs in existence of a young Mr. T is that he is over 835 years old, and therefore pre-dates cameras. His age is attributed to Death being too scared of Mr. T to come for him. He tried once, but was pitied like a fool, so went looking instead for the next 'T' in his book, Thomas Beckett.

Mr T defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you're still alive, it's because Mr T loves you.

Small animals find Mr. T irresistable and can be found playing in his mohawk. Mr. T tolerates them because "they don't give me no lip."

When Mr. T puts on his dancing shoes, you better f-ing run.

If at the exact same moment, the same person was pitied by Mr. T and roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, the universe would implode.

Mr. T once had so many fools to pitty that he didn't know what to do with them all. So he created Chuck Norris, from one of his ribs and a pound of gold, to roundhouse kick the surplus of fools in the face.

Mr. T was once clocked at 100 fps. That's 100 fools pitied a second.

As a kid, Mr. T loved to play the game of Hot Potato. Of course, he didn't play with a regular potato. Rather, Mr. T preferred playing with a live hand grenade. Mr. T pities the fool who's no good at hot potato.

Mr. T's autobiography, "So Many Fools, Not Enough Pity," was awarded the Pulitzer Prize for its heartwarming and inspiring tales of Mr. T overcoming his fear of flying, and his battle with gold-addiction--as well the sweet tutorial on how to install machine-gun turrets on top of a GMC van using a welding torch, a 55-gallon drum, chicken wire, and skim milk.

Mr. T showers in gas chambers.

When asked what a pitying feels like, Mr. T responded "Rip off your own genetalia".

Mr. T's umbilical cord was actually a large gold chain... the medallion didn't grow in until he was 6 months old.

Chuck Norris once challenged Vin Diesel to an arm wrestling match. Mr. T won.

There is a commonly told story talking about how Mr T. entered into a Mr. T look-alike contest and came in 3rd. This is obviously not true, because nobody would be alive to tell the tale after the amount of pitying that would have taken place.

Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel are actually the names Mr T has given to his testicles. The ability of his balls to make movies has saved Mr T the bother of earning a living himself for the past 20 years.

Like Harrison Ford, Mr. T was discovered on the set of his breakthrough film Rocky III while a carpenter in the props department. Mr. T won his role after being spotted resizing lengths of two-by-four by smashing them over his head, hammering nails in with his bare hands, and giving orphans advice on how to bond with their new foster mothers.

In Soviet Russia, the fools pitied Mr. T! This explains why there is no longer a Soviet Russia.

(I just collect the stuff)



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