Tuesday, November 15, 2005


This is an excerpt from my good friend's stand up routine:

"And although more and more diseases are actually getting treatments, I don’t understand why anyone would want to take prescription drugs anymore. First of all, the commercials for some of these pills are ridiculous. Have you seen the Zoloft white, bouncing entity? It’s a sad blob at first, but after Zoloft, it has a bounce in his…hop and a spring in his…rubber underbelly. Everyone is always smiling and laughing in the ads. Well, I mean who wouldn’t be happy to rid themselves of genital warts and vaginal discomfort? They do a nice job of making very uncomfortable diseases…a fun and nice thing to laugh and talk about it.

I wouldn’t be very good at this job. I sent in an ad to a drug company for a drug that cures depression. Okay, start with a father and son throwing a football in the front yard. The father says, “Son, you’ve got a girly throw, bulk up.” And the son says, “Sorry, dad. I’ll try harder.” “Well, just don’t be such a pussy.” And the father walks inside. End scene. Next scene, the son is in his room writing and the father comes and says, “Writing in your diary, Beth?” “No, dad, just a couple thoughts”. “Probably thoughts about having sex with men”. End scene. And this is the climax. The son, is in the kitchen making macaroni and cheese and the father walks in with a male prostitute and says, “Here, daughter, I got you a boyfriend.” And the son stands there staring and takes the pot of boiling mac and cheese and throws it in his dads face and he screams as his face melts and a black screen comes up for five seconds and that’s it. It doesn’t even say the name of the medicine, you just fucking know.

And then I wrote this one for a genital herpes drug. It’s short but sweet. A doctor and a woman in the doctor’s office. He peeks under her gown and says, “you’ve got herpes”. And then he takes a pot of boiling water and throws it at her crotch. She screams and then the screen goes blank. Except this time…it says, try Zorifil, if you don’t want your vagina to melt.

These ideas were rejected. "

-Matt Cortina


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