Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Super Hero Battle

Well I've decided it has become time agian for another poll...this time - Favorite Superhero. But I've decided to put on a new twist to the study. Instead of taking an SRS (simple random sample) of some large number of people, seemingly at random, I've decided to ask myself the question a large number of times at seemingly random intervals. After asking myself who my favorite super hero was 89 times in succession, I have drawn some rather fascination conclusions!

As can plainly be seen, there is an overwhelming majority of times when Batman is my favorite Superhero. However, my opinions are not unanimous. Potentially due to some outside factors, I once liked an "other" superhero. The hero was Mr. Incredible, the outside factor, the movie. However, when I am not watching The Incredibles my research shows that Batman is, indeed, my favorite superhero.

Why? Because he wears all black and is solid as a rock. Can you disagree?


Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Google Lies!

Despite finding 376,000,000 results when searching the query "late" on google, it only displays the first 904. It says "In order to show you the most relevant results, we have omitted some entries very similar to the 904 already displayed.If you like, you can repeat the search with the omitted results included."

So I clicked the result and much to my shagrin ... only 996 results were included. I am dying to know whats on the further pages. Why would it bother searching the other 375,999,096 pages, if it doesn't even provide for me a link to check them out? It seems like a waste of valuable time--especially since the search already used .08 seconds of my time.

For kicks - lets do the math. Google found 376,000,000 results for the query "late" in .08 seconds...that's...4700000000, 4.7 TRILLION pages searched per second.

Monday, November 28, 2005

History Repeats?

I've always found this fascinating...Some are lame but others are pretty awesome.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.

Both Presidents' wives lost a child while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot while seated next to their wife.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday. Both were shot in the head.

Lincoln's personal secretary, whose name was John (Nicolay), advised him not to go to the theater.
Kennedy's personal secretary, whose name was (Evelyn) Lincoln, advised him not to go to Dallas.

Both were assassinated by Southerners. Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are comprised of fifteen letters.

Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

Lincoln was shot in the Ford Theatre and Kennedy was shot while in a Ford Lincoln.


History...repeating itself?


Thursday, November 17, 2005

It happens

You know what would suck? Being the least retarted kid in the retarted class. Outside of the fact that you were the only one who wasn't required by law to wear a helmet, there's nothing good about it. You would look around and, even compared to you, every kid would be retarted. "Ms. Proskey, why is Jerry rocking back and forth?" "Why doesn't Brian ever stop humming?"

You'd be skewed for life. Imagine the day you found out paper wasn't round...

Or when you go home, mom asks "Hey honey, how was school today?"
"We had an assessment"
"Was it hard?"
"Hard to stay inside the lines?"

It would be an utter catastrophe. When you saw the other kids--in recess per say--you would always be last to be picked for the kickball team. Being atop your retarted class doesn't bump you up in social status, or kickball ability, for that matter.

Ok, so there is ONE positive aspect. Applying to colleges would be glorious. You could be the only WASP to benefit from affirmative action, from your dissability. But when it all came down to it, you excelled in your classes. Bet your glad you colored inside the lines now! But still, how fun would it be to have retarted friends your whole life?

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Stew On This

Maybe it's my mathematical, logical mind, but I love a good brain teaser -- check out this one:

This test does not measure your intelligence, your fluency with words, and certainly not your mathematical abilities. It will however, give you some gauge of your mental flexibility and creativity. Few people can answer half the puzzle on the first try.Good luck.
Example 12 = M. in a Y. Answer 12 = Months in a Year.

7 = W. of the W
26 = L. of the A.
1,001 = A.N.
12 = S. of the Z.
54 = C. in D. (With the J.)
9 = P. in the S.S.
88 = P.K.
13 = S. on the A.F.
32 = D.F at which
W.F. 18 = H on a G.C.
8 = S. on a S.S.
3 = B.M. (S.H.T.R.)
4 = Q. in a G.
24 = H. in a D.
1 = W. on a U.
5 = D. in a Z.C.
57 = H.V.
11 = P. on a F.T.
1,000 = W. that a P is W.
29 = D. in F in L.Y.
64 = S. on a C.B.
200 = D. For P.G. in M.
90 = D. in a R.A.
99 = B. of B. on a W.


Tuesday, November 15, 2005


This is an excerpt from my good friend's stand up routine:

"And although more and more diseases are actually getting treatments, I don’t understand why anyone would want to take prescription drugs anymore. First of all, the commercials for some of these pills are ridiculous. Have you seen the Zoloft white, bouncing entity? It’s a sad blob at first, but after Zoloft, it has a bounce in his…hop and a spring in his…rubber underbelly. Everyone is always smiling and laughing in the ads. Well, I mean who wouldn’t be happy to rid themselves of genital warts and vaginal discomfort? They do a nice job of making very uncomfortable diseases…a fun and nice thing to laugh and talk about it.

I wouldn’t be very good at this job. I sent in an ad to a drug company for a drug that cures depression. Okay, start with a father and son throwing a football in the front yard. The father says, “Son, you’ve got a girly throw, bulk up.” And the son says, “Sorry, dad. I’ll try harder.” “Well, just don’t be such a pussy.” And the father walks inside. End scene. Next scene, the son is in his room writing and the father comes and says, “Writing in your diary, Beth?” “No, dad, just a couple thoughts”. “Probably thoughts about having sex with men”. End scene. And this is the climax. The son, is in the kitchen making macaroni and cheese and the father walks in with a male prostitute and says, “Here, daughter, I got you a boyfriend.” And the son stands there staring and takes the pot of boiling mac and cheese and throws it in his dads face and he screams as his face melts and a black screen comes up for five seconds and that’s it. It doesn’t even say the name of the medicine, you just fucking know.

And then I wrote this one for a genital herpes drug. It’s short but sweet. A doctor and a woman in the doctor’s office. He peeks under her gown and says, “you’ve got herpes”. And then he takes a pot of boiling water and throws it at her crotch. She screams and then the screen goes blank. Except this time…it says, try Zorifil, if you don’t want your vagina to melt.

These ideas were rejected. "

-Matt Cortina

Sunday, November 13, 2005

Mr. T

Everyone loves Mr. T, but did you know?

World champion eater Takeru Kobayashi once ate 53.5 hot dogs in 12 minutes. Allotted the same time, Mr. T ate Kobayashi.

Mr. T's edition of the VH1 show 'Where Are They Now' was the shortest in the show's history. It was 10 seconds long, and consisted of a black screen with the words "Right Behind You" written on it.

When Mr. T does his laundry, Snuggles the fabric softening bear jumps off the label on the bottle and hides in fear of being pitied.

Mr T., after many years of market testing and demographic researching, finally decided to enter the fashion world and produce his own line of custom purses. Despite promising projected sales, his company soon shut down after the introduction of their motto, "Women love the T-bag".

Mr. T is allergic to doorknobs. That's why he can only kick through doors.

The vegetarian group PETA one time tried to establish the catchprase "We PETA the fool who eats animals." Upon learning of this blatant theft of his catch phrase, Mr. T founded McDonalds.

Originally the A-Team was named T-Team and consisted of Mr. T and six of his genetically engineered clones driving around in a van made of pure gold. Producers changed the format after every criminal known to man was killed in the pilot episode.

Mr. T invented Asian people, because he thinks they're cute and don't take up much room.

There is a 11th commandment, edited out of the Bible, that says "None of the above applies to Mr. T."

Mr. T got all of his golden jewelry from defeating Misters A through S in hand-to-hand combat and collecting it off of their dead remains. Kinda like that movie "The One", only except there's a lot less jibba jabba and fewer fools.

Mr. T once got into a fight with a ninja. He killed the ninja, but only after the ninja had cut off two of his fingers. Those fingers grew up to be Gary Coleman and Webster.

Mr. T knows the muffin man; he had sex his wife.

Remember, only you can prevent forest fires. But also remember that you can't do shit, because Mr. T is the one who starts them, and no one can stop that crazy fool.

The reason there are no known photographs in existence of a young Mr. T is that he is over 835 years old, and therefore pre-dates cameras. His age is attributed to Death being too scared of Mr. T to come for him. He tried once, but was pitied like a fool, so went looking instead for the next 'T' in his book, Thomas Beckett.

Mr T defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you're still alive, it's because Mr T loves you.

Small animals find Mr. T irresistable and can be found playing in his mohawk. Mr. T tolerates them because "they don't give me no lip."

When Mr. T puts on his dancing shoes, you better f-ing run.

If at the exact same moment, the same person was pitied by Mr. T and roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, the universe would implode.

Mr. T once had so many fools to pitty that he didn't know what to do with them all. So he created Chuck Norris, from one of his ribs and a pound of gold, to roundhouse kick the surplus of fools in the face.

Mr. T was once clocked at 100 fps. That's 100 fools pitied a second.

As a kid, Mr. T loved to play the game of Hot Potato. Of course, he didn't play with a regular potato. Rather, Mr. T preferred playing with a live hand grenade. Mr. T pities the fool who's no good at hot potato.

Mr. T's autobiography, "So Many Fools, Not Enough Pity," was awarded the Pulitzer Prize for its heartwarming and inspiring tales of Mr. T overcoming his fear of flying, and his battle with gold-addiction--as well the sweet tutorial on how to install machine-gun turrets on top of a GMC van using a welding torch, a 55-gallon drum, chicken wire, and skim milk.

Mr. T showers in gas chambers.

When asked what a pitying feels like, Mr. T responded "Rip off your own genetalia".

Mr. T's umbilical cord was actually a large gold chain... the medallion didn't grow in until he was 6 months old.

Chuck Norris once challenged Vin Diesel to an arm wrestling match. Mr. T won.

There is a commonly told story talking about how Mr T. entered into a Mr. T look-alike contest and came in 3rd. This is obviously not true, because nobody would be alive to tell the tale after the amount of pitying that would have taken place.

Chuck Norris and Vin Diesel are actually the names Mr T has given to his testicles. The ability of his balls to make movies has saved Mr T the bother of earning a living himself for the past 20 years.

Like Harrison Ford, Mr. T was discovered on the set of his breakthrough film Rocky III while a carpenter in the props department. Mr. T won his role after being spotted resizing lengths of two-by-four by smashing them over his head, hammering nails in with his bare hands, and giving orphans advice on how to bond with their new foster mothers.

In Soviet Russia, the fools pitied Mr. T! This explains why there is no longer a Soviet Russia.

(I just collect the stuff)


Thursday, November 10, 2005

Here's to Our Leaders

Nothing like stand up comedy. Anyone who as gone to a stand up show, professional or ameture, can relate. Even watching a tape or listening to the mp3--you go in expecting 75% of what they say to be funny, and laughing at anything is completely acceptable. If he's talking about his dead mother, or his time in the hospital recovering, it's ok to laugh. Well anyway. one of the classics in stand up comedy is none other than the illustrious Mitch Hedberg (RIP). Some of my favorites:

"I was in a casino, minding my own business. This guy came up and said "you're gonna have to move, you're blocking the fire exit. As though if there was a fire, I wasn't going to run. If you are flammable and have legs, you're never blocking a fire exit. You can write that down and put a dash in front of it, and put my name at the bottom."

"My fake plant died because I didn't pretend to water it."

"I didn't go to college but if I did I would take all my tests in a resaurant, because the customer is always right."

"I'm gonna open a chain of chair lunch dinner's, put them right across the street from the bed and breakfasts."

"I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask then where they're going and hook up with the later."

Buy his CD's, the delivery is priceless. His death still weighs heavily on the hearts of comedy fans nationwide.

Listen to Mitch Hedberg,
The Master Procrasturbator

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

Your Comments Direct Our Commitment

The campus dining hall service asks that students who would like to make a comment about their experience in the dining hall to turn in a comment card. These cards are then reviewed and responded to, and the appropriate action (if reasonable) is carried out. The comment cards are then posted on a board on the wall. I found this one particularly humorous:

First off, this place is filthy. I saw a "handicaped" [sic] employee touching cookies bare-handed and putting them back down. Also, another large female employee stares at me for uncomfortable amounts of time. Its [sic] creepy and disturbing. This place is atrotcious [sic].

Dear Spelling Bee Winner,
Generally I wouldn't respond to such a misguided commentary, but everyone is entitled to their opinion. This place is older and out of date, not "filthy." Feeding over 2500 people does take its toll-ask yourself if you do your part in helping to keep it clean. As for the mishandling of food - I'm sure that is quite rare as they are well supervised. Your being stared at must be your dazzling smile and sunny disposition...

I'm going to say the response wins. Might I say, the comment-ee got "dawged."

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

It's Picture Day

Some pictures are worth a thousand words. Others have priceless captions. There's just nothing like a good laugh around a bit of a visual feast. Here's some good ones I wish I had taken:

But honey, they're such a good price!


I was driving to work today when this big dick in a truck pulled out in front of me...

(Both of the above pictures borrowed from Short Arm Guy's awesome site...check it out -

This is one of those in the "picture is worth a thousand words" cat-egory. Terrible, terrible pun.


You'll just have to take my word for it when I say I REALLY do like cats...

He're another worth a thousand words.


Hey, do you think you've got procrasturbation worthy material? Wing it over in an e-mail.

Until next time...


Thursday, November 03, 2005

True Story (You gotta love college)

Hey all. I would suggest checking out the Han Solo/Indiana Jones poll. I'm dying to keep the tally going.

For now though, here's a story. (will be told in first person, but it didn’t happen to me)

So I was lying in my bed last night, at about 2:00. Just as I'm about to fall asleep my roommate comes stumbling into the room with his girlfriend. Both of them are drunk off their asses. They both climb into his bed, which is directly below mine, the beds are bunked, and start making out. I assume they don't realize I'm there, so I decide instead of making it awkward by getting up, I'll just stay in bed and be quiet. They keep going at is full speed, and anyone who has ever been in the top bunk can relate, small movements in the bottom mean big sways on the top. Needless to say, I was embracing an earthquake.

Next I start seeing shirts and pants collect in a pile on the floor. They are now completely naked and having sex, taking no care to be quiet or discrete. After they have been going for about 10 minutes (I was impressed with my roommate's stamina in a drunken state) I hear him say, "roll over I want to stick it in your ass." She's in no condition to make good decisions either, so she obeys and they start going again.

At this point she passes out, and when you do, especially when induced by alcohol, certain muscles relax, including the one in the anus. So while he's going he sees a turd on his member, and in disgust starts throwing up and shouting. The commotion wakes her up and she sees him throw up, which then makes her throw up. Now they are both naked and puking all over the room, I start to laugh hard I lost control laughing at my roommate's expense and rolled off my bed and onto the floor. And that’s how I broke my arm.

Who's Cooler...Han Solo or Indiana Jones?

Another simple survey has taken place! The results are displayed on the pie chart. There is a slight tip of the chart towards Indiana Jones, but it was a close race either way.

Some heavy argumentation arose from the question.

Han Solo advocates seemed to favor his smuggling abilities, and simply that he owned a spaceship. The true fans threw in also that his ship made the kessel run in under 12 parsecs. They liked the way that he was able to show women what's up (Episode V - (Han is about to be frozen in Carbonite) Leia: I Love You. Han: I know.) and the fact that he reeled in someone as foxy as Princess Leia.

Indiana Jones fans liked him because he was scruffy, not so pretty like Han. He used a whip to defend himself, and had countless female counterparts. They also seemed to admire the fact that he was in posession of the holy grail, and he was able to stand up to what he was afraid of...snakes.

Think what you must. Care to support your preference? Leave it as a comment.

The answer to last week's quick question: Homestar Runner, Strong Bad e-mail, Kids' Book

In sometimes, but out now,